I SEE TALKING SNAKES :
by sarahroseblack2002
Summary: Harry Potter goes to his 4th year at Hogwarts, yet somebody changed the whole order of how wizards live. Hogwarts has been turned into a nuthouse, and in the process Harry finds romance, and WANTS to figure out how to STOP it!
1. Default Chapter

I See Talking Snakes

Chapter 1: Train troubles

Harry Potter, a boy who was strange in many ways, had been going to Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for three years. This would be his fourth year there, and he felt quite anxious to go. He was able to go to the World Cup with his friends Ron Weasley, his family, and Hermione Granger just recently. They left a little earlier than Harry to board the train because Mr. Weasley was keeping him with his many Muggle questions. Ron and Hermione, were waiting patiently on the train for his arrival. What Harry and his friends didn't know was that someone was evilly plotting against them. A horrible plot that would make all of Hogwarts a perplexing sight (even for Hogwarts)!  
  
Harry happily waved tp Mr. and Mrs Weasley, and then stepped onto the train. When he did so, he felt the very air around him thin---and became cold. As a peculiar, gush of wind brushed Harry's hair; he felt a very strange, tingling sensation, running from his toes up to his now throbbing head. His knees became weak, with the quick sharp pain his scar gave, and he fell onto them, breathing more rapidly. Looking up, he saw something that almost made his heart stop: the shadow of a man ran off the train.  
  
Harry finally regained his strength as the pain and the tingling faded away. Getting to his feet, he said quietly to himself, "I see talking snakes," in a strange, mysterious voice that ended in a hiss. He had meant to say, "That was weird." He looked around curiously, wondering what had happened.  
  
Then he said, "I see talking snakes," again. This time he had meant to say "What in the --." He had to do something about this---he had to find Ron and Hermione.

He ran down the hall in the train frantically searching for one of his friends. Finally, he spotted Ron, who was standing between two compartments having a casual conversation with---Draco Malfoy! Harry, perplexed, ran over to Ron and yelled, "I SEE TALKING SNAKES!!"  
  
Ron turned around and looked at Harry as though he was horrified. His face was pale, and he gawked at Harry as if he were looking at Aragog once again. "Harry, what are you talking about?" Ron asked, but he sounded very petrified, and his frightened expression never went away.  
  
Harry said again, "I see talking snakes!" This was starting to piss Harry off. He was trying to say, "Ron, what in the world is going on??" Harry was very peeved. He scratched his head in reflection. ::THINK HARRY THINK!!::  
  
Draco looked at Harry with big innocent eyes, then he started clucking like a chicken. He ran down the hall in his undergarments, flapping his arms, oblivious to the fact that he indeed wasn't a chicken. This distracted Harry a bit, but he thought of something all the same. Maybe he could write something down! Harry grabbed the apprehensive Ron and went into a compartment -- that was already taken.  
  
"Oh, my love, kiss me!!!" they heard Snape say in a tone Harry would never expect to hear from his Potion's teacher. Harry tried to laugh, but it came out as a stretched, misty chuckle, with a hiss at the end. Harry became flustered by his new speech impairment. 

Snape finally became aware that his affair was being disturbed by two---men! "NO!" He shouted! "She's mine, you cannot have her you insolent fools!" He clung to his lover as if it were a matter of life or death. Harry hadn't realized whom Snape was lovingly embracing---until now---  
  
"HERMIONE!!!! What are you doing!?!" Ron yelled, his voice squeaking in his distress. Hermione's affectionate face suddenly turned bright red. She got up and pulled Harry and Ron out of the compartment.  
  
"Wait, my love!!" they heard Snape yell almost like Romeo to Juliet. She turned around and tried to go back, but Harry grabbed her and steered her to an empty compartment. He could hear Snape yelling, "Unhand her you villains!" Harry ignored him, locking the compartment door then he pulled some parchment and a quill from his bag handing it to Hermione.  
  
"I love Snape so much; he's so very sexy!!" she said in a very lovey-dovey voice. Harry stared at the quivering Ron, and then remembered Ron couldn't make any other expressions.  
  
Hermione wrote on the parchment.Hi guys. This is weird -- I just made out with Professor SNAPE!! Help me!! Make sure we stay away from each other because I can't control this. I'm absolutely disgusted. Harry, write here.  
  
Harry took the quill. Hermione, Ron. Hi, guys. This is just plain weird. All I can is say "I see talking snakes" in an annoying voice that sounds much like that Professor Trelawney the twins speak of. What should we do? I remember getting a tingling feeling and seeing a shadow or something run off the train. Ron, you next.  
  
Ron picked up the quill. Well, whatever it was, I am stuck being a stupid, scared little git. We need to find my brothers and Ginny and stick together through this until we arrive at Hogwarts. Oh, by the way Hermione, SNAPE LOVER!!! HA HA HA!!!  
  
At this point, Hermione hit Ron's shoulder because she couldn't glare at him. "OWW!!" Ron yelled in a baby voice. "That hurt. I want outta here!" Ron whined. The situation would be quite hilarious to Harry if it weren't so serious.  
  
Harry looked at him, then said, "I see talking snakes." Damn! This was really getting annoying! Harry finally took the quill back and wrote –


	2. Wacky Train

I See Talking Snakes

Chapter 2: Wacky Train

::All right, Ron. I see how your curse is annoying -- but I feel VERY sorry for Hermione! Let's go find your family, Ron, okay? Until then keep your heads cool. Hermione, poke one of us when Snape is near:: Hermione nodded, which looked quite funny, as she looked like she could float away in a bubble of happiness.  
  
They went outside the compartment and saw students acting in the most bizarre way. One of them was eating his shirt, another was humping the wall non-stop, which grossed them all out. A girl Harry knew, Cho Chang, came up to Ron and started sniffing his hair. Ron stared at her as if she were a Vampire ready to bite.  
  
After passing Neville, who was doing Dean's hair, and Seamus, who was doing front flips, they spotted Ginny. She had drastically changed her appearance. She was wearing a belly-showing shirt, tight pants, and too much makeup. Ron and Harry just gawked at her---for different reasons though. Harry noticed she had a few curves to her figure. She approached Harry, walking like a fashion model on the runway.  
  
"Hey, sexy. Why don't you come with me, and I'll show you what it is to be a real man?" she said in an enticingly hot voice that made Harry almost drool. Ron started to cry again, and Hermione comforted him. Harry just stared, stunned.  
  
"I-I...I see talking snakes." he said in reply, his misty voice a little shaky. Ginny giggled and grabbed Harry's bum squeezing it, then she kissed him. Harry didn't know what to do, he wanted to kiss her back but he knew it would upset Ron and this wasn't the real Ginny he knew! He could never do that to her!  
  
Finally Ron shouted, "Stop!!" in his pathetically anxious voice. Harry tried to gently nudge her away, but Ginny didn't stop-- until Ron literally dragged her by her hair. It looked quite funny; Ron had Ginny pinned down by her arms, and she was screaming in anger kicking her legs all the while Ron looked like a horrified child at a scary flick .  
  
At last, Harry remembered they needed to find the twins and Percy next. Harry didn't really want to find Percy, however. That's all they needed was to see how HE turned out! He finally pushed Ron and Hermione forward; Ron had Ginny by the wrist now, she had given up fighting her older brother. Ginny in her right state could blast Ron across the hall if she wanted, but she also wouldn't be acting this way if she were in her right state.  
  
They passed many more students, some hanging out of doors like monkeys, others making out, and even some nude. Harry recognized one of the naked people -- it was Percy!! ::Oh, bloody hell, here we go.:: Harry thought. He didn't WANT to have Percy follow them around now. He had to turn Ron's attention away from his older, nuddy-pant brother. Harry walked along beside Ginny, which kept Ron's full attention, and they continued on.  
  
After a little while, Ron spotted the twins. They were---dressed in their Hogwarts uniforms, while standing up straight and tall. They acted like they were superior to everyone around them, their noses sticking up in the air. They also appeared to have smelt something rotten, with the petulant expressions on their faces.  
  
"Why hello there, Harry, I hope you are doing well. I cannot wait until our arrival at Hogwarts; I need to discuss some important matters with Professor Dumbledore." Fred said as they approached, he brushed the faintest piece of lent off of his uniform.  
  
Then George added, "Yes, and I -- Ginny! What in the world are you doing?! You look like a harlot woman! Just wait until I tell mother, she won't be too happy about this!" Harry stared at Ron aghast. Ginny just shook her head and rolled her eyes. Ron screamed again, this time a high, piercing scream Harry didn't think Ron could possibly conjure.  
  
"NO!! THEY TURNED INTO PERCY!!!!!!!!" Ron blurted out. All the students felt the jerk of the train slowing. "Ah! Perhaps we have arrived dear brother." Fred said attempting to lay his bright red hair flat.


	3. Beware! Cows are Amongst Us!

I See Talking Snakes

Chapter 3: Beware Cows Are Amongst Us!

The train finally came to a complete stop, and Hermione, with some help from Harry, was able to make Ron stop screaming. Harry glanced at Ginny, but looked away when she blew a kiss and winked at him. He remembered when he first met Ginny---she was so little and innocent. Now that he thought about it, he felt guilty. He shouldn't allow Ginny to act in this way---even if the kiss was totally worth it.

Harry turned his attention to everyone else unloading from the train. First the stiff-backed twins walked elegantly out the door, the nude crowd (Harry didn't look too long at them) strolled out, Sir Hump-a-lot (who at the time was chasing a girl trying to get to her cat) ran out, then came Neville and Dean glancing at one another with little mirrors while Seamus did a double back-flip out of the train.

Somehow, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all managed to get through all the craziness and off the train. Harry looked around the crowd, his attention turned to a large man in pink.It was Hagrid. He stared open-mouthed up at Hagrid; he was in a long, pink dress with a pink, laced umbrella. The dress had ruffles on the sleeves and the top half was velvet. Harry never imagined he'd see Hagrid in this manner, he seemed too masculine. Hermione also stared in awe as Ron burst out in laughter (which sounded more likes sobs.)  
  
"Why hello there Harry, how would you and your friends like to come over for some tea. I have decorated my house to look more, like me. It's adorned in lovely roses, and lace curtains. Wait until you all come to see it, I'm so excited." Hagrid said in a voice even more bizarre than his appearance. He sounded like a woman with a deep voice, such as Madam Maxime (who Harry hasn't met yet so it's even more odd for him to hear).  
  
"Well," Hagrid began again as he started to turn, "I better sort out this group. My, my, children can be little heathens." He said as he waved his hand, curtsying before he left.  
  
Harry pulled Hermione, Ron, and Ginny into an empty carriage, trying to avoid other students at all costs. When they arrived at Hogwarts, Professor McGonagall came out looking perfectly normal, until she sang.  
  
"Come with meeeeee children to Hogwarts School." She sang this in the most beautiful opera voice. Harry was amazed, but decided to expect more unusual things throughout the day; he couldn't wait to see Dumbledore, but would Dumbledore change? Harry pictured Dumbledore in a long red dress and a big bowed red hat, causing him to giggle in his misty way.  
  
Suddenly Snape popped out of one of the carriages, looking around desperately until he spotted his love and yelled joyously:  
  
"Hermione, my love, come to me!!" As he said this he swung his arms wide open and ran towards her, a passionate look plastered on his face that disgusted both Harry and Ron. Hermione turned around and was about to run to her lover, but Ron quickly grabbed her.  
  
"No Hermione, remember Will-POWER!!" Ron said in his quivering voice. Snape still came running and Ron struggled to keep Hermione still. Suddenly, out of the blue, a girl ran over and knocked Snape down and started kissing him harshly. At this Hermione swore at the girl and tried to pull out her wand to curse her, but Ron briskly grabbed her wand and tossed it to Harry. The girl looked up at Harry, Ron, and Hermione and said:  
  
"I am Evil Fire Witch, you better stay OFF my hubby girl!! Sevy, baby, stay away from that scary little girl." The girl stands up and then sits on a nearby rock. "Come Sevy baby, and sit in momma's lap." Hermione swore like a dirty sailor. Harry and Ron gawked at her amazed she knew half of those words. Hermione almost managed to escape but Ron did something that even made Harry and Ginny gasp. He grabbed Hermione in his arms and kissed her—not on the cheek---but full frontal on the mouth. She struggled a moment, then she threw her arms around him returning it. Harry and Ginny exchanged awed looks---but all the same Harry had a feeling they liked each other. Ron sure picked the strangest time to---er---reveal his feelings.

Harry looked over at the new girl, Harry had to admit this girl was very pretty; she had long, brown hair, hazel eyes, and a very pretty shaped face. She also wore a long black, silk, very tight dress with red flames adorning it.

He shook his head, and then he looked back over at Ginny. He removed his cloak and quickly wrapped it around her, for his eyes weren't the only ones memorized by her new look. She restlessly obeyed.  
  
It took a while for Ron and Hermione to---stop confessing their feelings. They eventually all walked inside, Harry looked up to see Peeves the Poltergeist yelling at all the other ghosts for throwing water balloons at the first years. Then when Harry looked past the circus-like crowd of students he saw his second-year professor---Professor Lockhart. Apparently the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was in his office, and Lockhart came to reclaim his right to teach---thanks to the curse. Lockhart was acting too strange to do so, however. He had his wand in his hand and he constantly hit himself in the head with it yelling,  
  
"Ahoy! Cow's walk amongst us people! Fear them for they shall take your very lives! They come in herds destroying everything in their sight. Beware!"  
  
Harry goggled at him. For when Harry met Lockhart, he seemed extremely conceited, and well refined---in truth he was a lying git and a coward. Now he was some lunatic ranting about deadly cows? It was weird, despite the fact that Lockhart was always a lunatic.

Looking past the ridiculous Lockhart Harry could see Filch. Now Filch was as nasty towards the students as he looked (which is horrible), but his change was incredibly different. For he had shaved his beard, brushed his teeth to almost white, and wore very nice clothing. Perhaps he'd be nice to the students, some people seemed to be acting the opposite of how they usually act. However, Filch didn't in this case. He wasn't nice to the students. Harry saw him running up to un-expectant students and de-panting them. He seemed to enjoy this very much; his face would malevolently light up. Finally Filch approached the nude crowd, he stared at them, eyebrows raised, then turned on his heel and ran out of the room screaming, for he had no pants to pull.

Harry saw his fellow Gryffindor and Quidditch captain Oliver Wood. Wood was standing by the staircase staring at the moving pictures.  
  
"I see talking snakes?" Harry asked meaning to say "Wood?" Wood wheeled around, his eyebrows raised.  
  
"You do---well I'm sorry. This place is interesting---I mean---" He bent over and whispered in Harry's ear. "The staircases move." Harry stifled a giggle. Wood had no idea who or where he was.  
  
Harry pulled a book out of his robes, "Quidditch Through the Ages," to hopefully remind Wood of something. Wood's eyes lit up.  
  
"I need a broomstick---must play the game consisting of four balls---two the same---bludgers for the two beaters to hit, a snitch for the seeker, and a quaffle for the three chasers. I can be---keeper! Yes must play!" He then ran out of the hallway yelling "QUIDDITCH!!!!!" Harry stared---his mouth gaped open. He only knows Quidditch---that makes sense---not much of a change from before.  
  
After trying to get past the insane crowd of students, teachers, and ghosts, they all made it to the Gryffindor table. Harry sighed in relief, until he saw Draco making out with this girl Harry new as Skye. Harry gagged at the repulsive sight because no girl should have Draco. He's just a plain git, but at least he had the decency to put his shirt on! Ron punched Harry's arm hard, Harry turned around and saw Ron point at Professor Dumbledore. He was in fact perfectly normal, he spoke normal when he greeted everyone, and looked normal, until he pointed out he had a large mole by the side of his nose. It wasn't noticeable to Harry until he squinted his eyes and looked very hard because Dumbledore's crooked nose covered it a bit. Finally Dumbledore stood up and attempted to quiet the hall, he was successful after a few fireworks burst out of his wand. He cleared his throat, and began to say:


	4. Ginny

I See Talking Snakes

Chapter 4: Ginny  
  
Author's notes: I always forget disclaimers. I don't own the Harry Potter novels or any of the characters ect.... ect.....I obviously couldn't write as well as Rowling. I also don't own any of the Monty Python sayings or any such thing as that. Keep reading!!!

"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts. Now I understand things may seem a bit strange," Harry stared at Ron with his eyebrows raised. A bit? If that wasn't the understatement of the year, Harry had no clue what was. Dumbledore continued, "I would just like to let you know that this will only last for a week, that's the best the staff and I could do for you. We could very well leave you all like this, and let it wear off on it's own which would be a year's time. However we would prefer to undo this horrible curse so we can get back to learning. Thank you and try to enjoy your feast after the Sorting Ceremony." Dumbledore sat down in his chair and sighed deeply, and for the first time he looked very old and very tired.  
  
The sorting ceremony was interesting to watch. Some of the first years acted mature, some like three year old children, some like prostitutes, others like monkeys, and then there were even some that acted their opposite sex. One of the children tried to eat the sorting hat but was briskly caught by Professor McGonagall.  
  
After the long-lasting ceremony they were allowed to dig in. Harry tried hard to ignore all the maniacal students attempting to eat their food, some just continued to run around like wild animals. Harry quickly ate his supper, then grabbed Ron, Hermione, and Ginny and made his way toward the Gryffindor common room.  
  
When Harry was sure they'd safely make it there he saw Mrs. Norris jump out in front of them, and Filch right behind her. Filch had a malevolent and triumphant look on his face. He went from staring at their faces, to staring at their pants. Harry's eyebrows raised as he attempted to make a run for it, but Filch jumped in front of him blocking the way.  
  
"Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, I shall pull down your pants and give the other students a surprise, for they will see you in your knickers and I'll laugh as others snicker. Flee you might, flee you can't. I will soon have all of your pants!" Filch grinned slyly and stepped forward, but as he did this, Sir Hump-a-lot ran out of nowhere and dashed after Mrs. Norris. She scurried all the way down the stairs while the boy laughed insanely trying to keep up. Filch jumped back in alarm. He pointed his bony finger at Harry, "I will get you my pretty, and your little friends too!" He then turned on his heel and then ran after the boy. Harry sighed in great relief---what a close call.  
  
They reached the common room, went inside, and sat down in front of the fireplace on the comfortable couches. There were no other students there, because they were at the feast. Harry realized somebody WAS there; he turned around to find himself face-to-face with Snape. Harry glared at Snape, while Snape looked passionately at Hermione. She turned away and looked at Ron, resisting the curse. However, Snape's face flushed with anger. He knocked Ron out of the way, and grabbed Hermione. He ran out of the Portrait hole, clutching Hermione.

"Harry stay with Ginny I'm going to find Hermione!" Ron said as he made a mad dash toward the portrait hole, then he too was gone. Harry was about to go but Ginny grabbed his hand, she was still wrapped in Harry's cloak.  
  
"Please stay hun. Do you have some parchment and a quill my great big hunk of---" She stopped herself in mid-sentence. Harry could tell she was struggling to fight the stupid curse. He quickly pulled out the parchment and quill. He handed it to Ginny---their hands touched making them both blush. "Thanks." She said oddly---for she was going to say more but yet again stopped herself. She began writing something then handed it to Harry. ::Please forgive me Harry! I can finally talk sensibly to you. I can't help this---it is SO embarrassing! I guess my curse is to act like a complete fool to the person I like the most. Never mind that. Just, please forgive me::

Harry looked at Ginny sympathetically, then wrote back ::Of course I forgive you. You can't help it anymore than the other students, or me, or Ron. You haven't been doing too badly of a job controlling yourself now that we're alone. I was a bit worried about that:: He handed her the parchment and watched her read it. She smiled in a very Ginny-way, not her new cursed way, then flung her arms around Harry.

She looked at him as Ginny for the first time the whole day, then gently pressed her lips against his. He pulled her closer into his arms and kissed her back. Then---the curse played a bit in the role.

Ginny slipped her tongue in his mouth causing Harry to pull back, but Ginny didn't let him. He decided what the heck. He pulled her even closer and started snogging her. In their passion they didn't hear two people pop out of the portrait hole.


	5. The Plot

I See Talking Snakes

Chapter 5: The Plot

Fred and George stood rooted to where they came out, absolutely outraged as Harry ran his hands through Ginny's hair, kissing her. In unison the twins turned a ghastly shade of crimson.  
  
"GINNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WAIT UNTIL MOTHER HEARS!!!" They both barked. Harry stopped and turned his head but Ginny forced his lips back onto hers. Two more people popped through the portrait hole. Fred and George didn't turn around to see who came; they just stuck their tongues out in disgust, their rage forgotten in seeing their sister act this way.  
  
Hermione gasped, as Ron ran over to Ginny and ripped her off of Harry. Ron attempted to glare at Harry, but he still just looked petrified. Fred and George ran up to their dorm swearing a letter to 'mother' was going to be written.  
  
"How could you Harry?" Ron said his voice breaking into sobs. He attempted to pull Ginny up the stairs, but boys couldn't go up the girl's staircase, so he had to make Hermione take her. Ginny tried to explain Ron through hand signals---but he didn't care to figure them out. Ron looked Harry the whole time (petrified as usual), which made Harry wince.

When sure Ginny was in her dorm, Ron stomped over to the couch. He signaled for Hermione and Harry to sit on either side of him.

Harry almost frantically grabbed the parchment he and Ginny wrote to one another on. First Ron read it, then Hermione. Ron's face was crimson---which clashed with his face and even more with his expression.

"It—still—doesn't---explain—why—you—kissed—my—sister!" Ron whined. Harry looked down into his hands. He wanted to smile, for that kiss meant something. Harry---liked Ginny, a lot. He always felt a little tingling in his stomach around her lately---but he didn't think too much of it.

"I---I---see---" Harry stopped himself, and then wrote on the parchment. ::I really like your sister Ron. Not because of her new appearance---no---I like HER. She was too shy to admit it until now—which I must say is bad timing:: Harry didn't even wait for Ron to reply. He slowly got up then walked to his dorm and lain in his bed with his arms tucked under his head, smiling.  
  
"Now students I truly regret to tell you that the corrections will take a bit longer than expected, whoever's magic did this must be very strong, and we expect they may try to strike again. I want to inform you all to be on alert at all times, and hopefully we will be able to go to class next week." Dumbledore said with a long sigh. He had never expected anything of this sort to happen, what would this magic achieve? The delay of teaching? Dumbledore looked over at Harry Potter, who was sitting with Ginny Weasley (who was wrapped in his cloak) eating—Ron and Hermione weren't sitting near Harry.  
  
Harry was holding Ginny's hand and smiling---although he was a bit hurt by Ron's attitude. Ron of all people shouldn't be mad! He looked over at Ron, Ron had attempted to glare at Harry, but he looked like he was staring at Voldemort.

Harry looked away seeing Draco's new flame, Skye. She was in Draco's lap still making out with him. Mrs. Norris passed walking limply as Sir Hump-a-lot looked a little too joyous. Severus had ignored Hermione and was with Evil Fire Witch. They walked around school hand in hand as he listened to her every command.  
  
Harry found himself spending all his time writing letters to Sirius or with Ginny. Sirius had escaped from the Prison of Azkaban, falsely accused of killing Ron's old rat (who was a wizard—an animagus). Sirius said Ron was seriously overreacting---then excused his own pun.

After finishing breakfast Harry and Ginny went up to the Gryffindor common room, sat in their usual spot, then started writing back and forth---the only real way the could communicate.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Miles upon miles away a man with long blonde hair sat in his home staring at a diary burning in his fireplace. The man had a malicious smile as he stared at the diary turning into ash before his eyes. The diary screamed in agony and green smoke burst from it forming the letters T-O-M R-I-D-D-L- E. The man laughed maniacally as he caressed and twirled his hair.  
  
"Well now," he hissed, "Harry Potter won't need this diary for his destruction, the Basilisk I've already killed by accident, stupid rooster-- master was so upset--but now I have thought of the most evil plan yet! Now Hogwarts will cease to exist when I get Albus removed--oh yes we'll see how HAPPY that school is now," the man slipped from his chair kicking his house elf out of the way. He went to a hidden door, and climbed down to his hidden dungeons. He walked to the farthest room and looked down at a hideous being. "Master," the man said, "master my plan is working, thank you master for your help. I couldn't have used my magic alone for this task."  
  
The creature hissed back, "Well now, when we get rid of Dumbledore, we can finally go after that Harry Potter, and use him to bring me back! Yes it will work divinely! Now, if you wouldn't mind, can you pick me up something to eat? Perhaps a hamburger, I've been craving McDonald's."  
  
"McDonald's, Sir? But you haven't the strength to chew properly." The man stated.  
  
"SO!?!? McDonalds!!! Bring me a happy meal! I haven't been able to collect the toys ever since that damn boy made me lose my power. I almost had all the beanie babies!" The creature spat.  
  
"Yes Sir." The man replied defiantly, and he left his house to travel to the nearest Muggle-infested McDonald's restaurant. When he arrived he saw a large black dog frantically trying to get on a bus. He thought this strange but shrugged it off. He walked into the restaurant where he was greeted by some mock clown with a stupid grin and big feet. The man swore before he left he'd curse this moron.


	6. Voldie's Plan

I SEE TALKING SNAKES  
  
Chapter 6: Voldie's Plan

Harry woke up early the next morning to find a suspicious red letter lain beside him. He looked at it strangely; it had nothing written on it. He picked it up, ripped open the envelope and pulled thick red parchment out. When he unfolded the parchment, it read:  
  
Yo Potter,  
  
You're probably wondering who's doing this to your school. Well muahahaha!! Voldie of course. People think I'm insane! HA!!! I couldn't have thunked up a better idea than to make others more insane than I. My plan's working divinely! I'm cackling---I could put a spell on the letter so you could here me cackle---but that'd be no fun---I mean---you'll hear me cackle when I come to the school this Friday to try and kill you. To put a cackling spell would ruin the whole mood when I come at 12:30 pm to the North Tower, after luring Dumbledore away of course. So HA!! You'll never find out my master plan of ridding of you! I'm cackling again---it's such a wonderful sound. Anyway, I will see you Friday muahahahaha!!!  
  
Hate you,  
  
Voldie---Voldie sounds much more professional than Voldemort, don't you think?  
  
Harry looked at the letter---his mouth gaped open. Why in the hell would Voldemort tell him exactly how he was going to attack him? Harry decided to take the letter to Dumbledore and ask him about Voldemort's sanity.  
  
"Well Harry, all I can tell you is that he's off his rocker. I will not leave the school on Friday, I will have Fawkes watch the North Tower, and I'll put everyone on guard. I don't know if Voldemort purposely told you that or not---I'm told he's lost his touch as well as his mind. Well Harry-- -you need not worry." Dumbledore assured him. Harry was unsure what to think about all of this insanity. He decided just to listen to Dumbledore---as he always had good advice.

Meanwhile...

The large black dog entered the Hogwarts grounds undetected. It slunk past Hagrid's hut, and then sat by the big front doors. Finally a student came out, allowing the dog to run through the doors and toward the Gryffindor Common room---he didn't know the password, so he waited---waited until a Gryffindor came along. Finally a round-faced boy came out, allowing the dog to jump through just in time. Then the dog ran up to the boys rooms, found Harry Potter's bed, and sat there wagging its tail patiently waiting.

Ron was still angry with Harry---however he had asked him to borrow some ink in Transfiguration. Harry gladly handed it over, and from there they discussed how things were going between Hermione and Ron (in writing of course, as neither of them could talk, mainly because of Professor McGonagall singing a spell in soprano). Finally the question came when Ron wrote—-::Harry, do you really like my sister?:: Harry nodded his head assuring Ron then wrote, ::It's not her appearance Ron, I'd never treat your sister like that. It's because she told me she really liked me---and I realized I liked her a lot too.:: Ron actually smiled making Harry feel much better. Meanwhile..  
  
"Ah yes, you bring me another happy meal. Although the Beanie Babies are gone, I can still collect these cool little Hotwheels. Aren't they so small and cute?" Voldie said pleasantly as he rolled one of the mini cars across the floor, adding engine and tire sound affects. "Vroooom!! Eeeeeere!"  
  
"Yes master," the man sighed exasperatedly, "but what about that letter? It tells our whole plan for Friday---what shall we do now?" Lucius asked the creature curiously as he twirled a piece of his white hair. Voldie stopped playing with his cars (that he was currently smashing together making crashing noises) and looked up at his servant.  
  
"Well---it's obvious. Lure Dumbledore away and go to the North Tower at 12:30 pm. Have you not learned anything from me?"  
  
"But master---they'll know---" the incredulous reply was.  
  
"SILENCE! It's my plan and we are going to do it. Oh! I see what's going on---you think you are smarter than I am---you think if I turn around you can kill me and be the new Voldie well guess what!? I DON'T THINK SO." The creature, Voldie, hissed as he clutched his Hotwheels as if they were dear to him.  
  
"I'm sorry master we'll do your plan." Lucius said through gritted teeth.  
  
"That's what I thought. Mr. Big-Bad-Lucius thinking he can step in my territory, well nuh-uh girlfriend. I don't think so." Voldie snapped his fingers Dr. Evil-ish at Lucius. "Talk to the hand cause the face don't wanna listen." Voldie said as he spun his hand around to hold it up to Lucius, then he took a Beanie Baby that he had in a pile and chucked it at Lucius knocking him square in the head. "Now who's big and bad? Oh yeah---uh huh." Voldie started to Moon Walk. His servant stared at him knowing the powerful being was now completely insane. He just shrugged and knew he had to do as Voldemort told him---Voldie still had more power than Lucius could even dream of. 


End file.
